Final Fantasy 7: Uncut
by deusdragon
Summary: A comedy version of Final Fantasy 7 that you will only believe by reading.
1. NCLOUD

First of all, I do not own Final Fantasy or any of its affiliates or crap like that. I'm just a lonely little guy with too much time on his hands.what do you expect? Ok, now that all that legal stuff is out of the way, this is gonna be the first fanfic that I go through with(hopefully). I made one before, but it was experimental. And this one is too, sorta. So..Let's Make it Hap'n Cap'n!!!  
  
Two guys in uniforms stood at a train station. One pulled out a pack of cigarettes.  
  
"Hey, got a light?" Guy 1 asked Guy 2.  
  
Guy 2 pulled out a lighter and lit Guy 1's smoke. Just then a train pulled into the station and stopped. Both Guys ran to the door of the train and stood at attention. The door opened and a HUGE sword swiped at the air above the Guys' heads. Without another word, they Guys bolted. The man wielding the sword jumped off the train. He did several flips in the air and landed on his feet. And you look from his feet up, you can just hear:  
  
"I'm too sexy for my sword, too sexy for my sword. To sexy, yeah!!"  
  
That's because the man with the sword, named Cloud, was singing it. He was dressed in black boots, a black sleeve-less suit with a metal belt, black gloves with metal cuffs, and a metal shoulder pad. He had a funky yellow hair style, and he was carrying a huge sword. Three people stepped off the train and looked at Cloud in his boy band pose. One of them, a big, black guy with a gatling gun attached to his arm, shook his head.  
  
"You could have just stepped off the train like a normal person," he said.  
  
Cloud turned around to him and put away his sword.  
  
"Ok, come here pretty boy," the gun-arm guy said. Cloud trotted over to him. "I'm gonna be frank with you for a sec."  
  
"Ok Frank," Cloud said.  
  
"Shut up. My name is not Frank."  
  
"You just said it was."  
  
"That's not what I meant, you boy band reject," the black guy said, starting to get angry.  
  
"Don't get mad at me if you don't know your own name."  
  
"I know my friggin' name boy."  
  
"Well what is it?  
  
"Barret. I thought we covered this."  
  
"Hi Barret."  
  
"Hi Clou-No!! Stop it! Ok," started Barret, calming down. "Let me put it this way: I don't trust you.at all. You are just some silly, vigilante, runaway N*SYNC member, with a huge sword and a bad haircut. This here-" He pointed to his two companions. "Is Jesse and Biggs. Respect them like you would me. Now let's handle this. And by the way Cloud..what's up with your haircut anyway?"  
  
Cloud gently touched his hair. "What's up with your arm?"  
  
Barret looked at him confused. "What do you mean?" Then Barret looked at his arm and saw that he had no hand, only a gun. "AHHHHHHHH!!!!! Where did this come from?!?! I've got no hand. Where did it gooo?!!!"  
  
Biggs and Jesse laughed and grabbed Barret by his arms and dragged him into the compound behind them.  
  
"This always happens," chuckled Biggs. "Never fails that he'll forget about the transplant. C'mon Cloud."  
  
The four walked into the compound.  
  
Ok, that's the first chapter, and my experimental chapter. Tell me what you think and I'll see if continuing is a good plan. 


	2. It Starts

First and foremost, thanks for the reviews everyone. *looks to the sky* You've given me reason to continue. *sniff* *Wipes eyes* Ok, now, onto other matters. It occurred to me as I was writing the last chapter that I was forgetting something, then I realized that it was the other character, Wedge. So let's all *pretend* that Wedge was there with Biggs and Jesse too. Ok? Cool. Now.To the Bat-Cave Robin!!!  
  
Barrett and the other's lead Cloud into the compound, opening doors on the way, and trying to re-explain the situation.  
  
*FLASHBACK* 'Ok Cloud, listen,' Barrett said. 'We are a group called Avalanche, and we are infiltrating this Mako reactor place to blow it up because Shinra is gonna drain the planet of Mako. And that's not good. And since you are a mercenary with battle experience, we need you to help us. Got it?'  
  
Cloud vaguely nods as he cleans his fingernails with the tip of his sword.  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Barrett yells at Cloud. "Had you paid attention befo' then we wouldn't be havin' this prollem."  
  
Could looked up at Barrett with a hurt look on his face. "My nails were dirty!"  
  
Barrett shakes his head. "C'mon," he said as he lead the way. Wedge, Jesse, and Biggs were opening doors as they went. Finally they came to an elevator.  
  
"Biggs, Wedge, you two stay here. Secure the area. We'll take it from here," said Barrett. Biggs and Wedge nodded. Barrett, Cloud, and Jesse stepped into the elevator and Barrett hit the down button. The elevator started going down, then went down out of sight. Suddenly, it dropped back into sight again and stopped. Cloud looked around.  
  
"That was neat trick," he said as they all stepped off of the elevator.  
  
I gotta go. So when I return, I promise we will see 'Enter the Tifa.' Till then..Laterz! 


	3. Random encounters and good feelings

Hello again to everyone. I've been gone for quite a while, but I just got my game back. I'm also gonna try some HTML here, so if it doesn't work, ignore it. I played through the first like, 10 minutes of the game and realized that there was a bunch of crap that I skipped or altered in some way, but, ya know what, screw it. We continue..........  
  
Cloud, Barrett, and Jesse stepped off the elevator into a HUGE room. Jesse bolted, running down a stairway that matched the room it was in: HUGE. Cloud looked around and scratched his head, his granite-hard hair never moving. Then he and Barrett ran down the stairs. Suddenly the screen got all blurry and the hardly noticeable background music changed. Cloud looked around.  
  
"What the-?"  
  
"It's called a random encounter Cloud," Barrett said. "You'll get used to it."  
  
"Well, ok. As long as it doesn't mess up my hair."  
  
"A random encounter with a BLOW TORCH couldn't mess up your hair!!"  
  
Cloud was about to reply when they heard: "Ahem." Barrett and Cloud looked to the origin of the sound. Two blue guys were standing there, hands on hips, waiting.  
  
"Oops," said the two heroes. One of the blue guys raised his arm to chest level, shooting several blue badly animated dots at Cloud. They hit him, causing him to stumble back. Cloud saw a small white 5 float up from him.  
  
"This is odd," he said.  
  
Then he took out his massive sword and charged toward his attacker. Cloud's feet were hitting the ground, matching the speed of his heartbeat. He reared his sword back, preparing to strike. The moment had come. His muscles flexed, he brought the sword down, he heard the air scream as his sword sliced through it, then he realized that the air was all that he sliced. He tumbled to the ground, rolling a few times before skidding to a halt, embarrassed that he, an Ex-Soldier member, missed his target so horribly. Then something occurred to him. He jumped to his feet and felt his hair, then breathed a sigh of relief. It was still spiked. Barrett shook his head.  
  
The other blue guy attacked Barrett the same way his accomplice attacked Cloud. Barrett took the 7 damage, watching the number as it fluttered away. Barrett started to run to the blue guy until Cloud screamed to him: "Use your gun-arm stupid!"  
  
Barrett looked at him.  
  
"Look at the pot callin' the kettle bla--'gun- arm?'" Barrett looked at his arm.  
  
"HOLY HELL!!!" He began running around frantically. Cloud walked up to Barrett, passing their confused enemies on the way.  
  
"Barrett, listen to me," Cloud said as he tried to round up the hysterical Barrett. "This gun here. It's attached to you. It's not comin' off. So can we beat these fools and finish this so I can get my money? I'm running out of hair gel."  
  
Barrett began to calm down. Finally, after a few minutes, Barrett was ready to try his gun-arm. He took aim and shot. And shot again. And again, and again, and again. Pretty soon, Barrett was unleashing a barrage of bullets. The enemies were no longer standing, but Barrett was still shooting. Cloud looked at him and shook him out of his trigger happy trance.  
  
"Jeez dude. What was wrong with you?" Cloud asked.  
  
Barrett was breathing really hard and heavy. "You should....get a gun......arm.......attached. It.......was nearly......orgasmic."  
  
Cloud stepped back. "EWWWWW!! That was........ew. Let's get outta here."  
  
Barrett nodded. And so the two continued their trek down the stairs. Soon, they were at the bottom of the stairway. They saw Jesse's shadow in a doorway ahead. They followed her. There was a big gap in the floor ahead, so they all jumped over it. Then Jesse gave them a short tutorial.  
  
"Push the [OK] button in front of a ladder to grab on to it. After that, push the [Directional Button] to move up and down." Then she jumped onto the ladder and crawled down. Cloud looked at Barret.  
  
"What button?"  
  
Ok, you guys. I gotta get ready for school, so I'll continue this later on. 


	4. Guaranteed to bring out the homicidal ma...

Ok, time for another chapter now. Let's see what trouble we can get these people into. Hehe....  
  
Cloud and Barrett climbed down the ladder and followed Jesse across a beam. Jesse stopped at the end of the bean and looked at Cloud and Barrett. She was silent. Cloud and Barrett looked quizzically at her. This position they held for several minutes..................................................................... .........................................until Jesse pointed to a small ramp onto another beam that they had passed.  
  
"So.......you're just gonna stay here?" Cloud asked.  
  
"I feel it's much more dramatic if you come and rescue me from certain death later on," Jesse answered him.  
  
Cloud shrugged. "What the hell is she getting at Barrett?"  
  
Barrett shook his head. "Not a f'kin clue. Let's get outta here." Cloud nodded.  
  
So Barrett and Cloud trekked their way down ladders and across pipes until they climbed down an extremely looooooong ladder. At the bottom was a very freaky looking light with a purple question mark rotating inside of it. Cloud walked up to it, then walked into it. He turned to Barrett.  
  
"Suddenly," he began. "I get the urge to save my game."  
  
Barrett just turned and walked away. Cloud ran after him. Soon they found what they were looking for. At the end of a long walkway was some sort of tank, or container, with a round handle of some sort on it. In the middle of the walkway was a small green marble sized ball. Cloud kneeled and picked it up.  
  
"Hey, I haven't found a marble like this in years. This'll go great with my collection. Right in between the cat's eye marble and the Lord Of The Rings collector marble."  
  
Barrett chimed in. "That's not a marble you friggin porcupine. It's called a Materia."  
  
"Material?"  
  
"Materia. Say it with me now. Ma-Ter-I-A. I'll show you how ta use it later. But for now...............the bomb."  
  
The pair walked to their destination, tensed.  
  
"When we blow this place, this ain't gonna be nothing more than a hunka junk," Barrett said, rather randomly. "Cloud, you set the bomb."  
  
Cloud stepped back. "Shouldn't you do it?"  
  
"Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin," said Barret.  
  
Cloud just shrugged it off. "Fine, be my guest." And just as Cloud was preparing to set the bomb, he began seeing red and a piercing sound went through his ears. Through this sound he could hear a voice.  
  
"Watch Out! This isn't just a reactor!!"  
  
"What is it? A Banana Guacamole factory?" Cloud asked. But he was too late. The redness faded and the piercing noise stopped.  
  
Barrett had a blank look on his face. "....What's wrong?"  
  
Cloud shook his head. "Huh?"  
  
"What's wrong Cloud? Hurry it up!"  
  
"....Yeah, sorry." Cloud walked up and set the bomb, mumbling to himself the whole time. "Red wire before blue wire, but black wire after red wire and before yellow wire."  
  
When the bomb was set, Cloud stepped back to admire his handiwork. Suddenly an alarm went off.  
  
"Well here they come."  
  
From nowhere is seems, a large mechanical Scorpion appeared. Instantly Cloud threw a Bolt spell onto it. It jerked from the impact of the lightning. Then it raised two arm-like appendages and searched the ground, locking onto it's next victim: Barrett. Before Barrett could attack the Scorpion, the Scorpion attacked Barrett, jabbing him three times with it's pointed tail. Barrett took the damage and then counterattacked. A vicious barrage of hot lead came spewing from Barrett's gun, showering the Scorpion. Barrett didn't stop, even after Cloud yelled to him:  
  
"Barrett, don't attack while his tail is up, or he'll counterattack with his laser."  
  
But Barrett had to learn the hard way. The Scorpion shot his laser at the doomed duo, critically injuring both. Cloud cast a potion on himself and walked to Barrett and slapped him in the back of his head.  
  
"Stupid."  
  
Barrett cast a potion on himself and stood there, ashamed. Then Cloud ran in and attacked the Scorpion, slicing a fair chunk from the metal body of the mechanical arachnid. Barrett taunted Cloud.  
  
"That was weak. You attacked him like you were afraid. Are you afraid Cloud?"  
  
But before Cloud could answer, the Scorpion used his tail attack, slamming his tail into Cloud. That sent Cloud over the edge. An enormous power built inside of him and he ran up to the Scorpion, jumped into the air and sliced through the Scorpion, killing it.  
  
Barrett was in shock. "That was braver."  
  
Cloud nodded, spinning his sword around effortlessly and sheathing it again. Barrett ran to the halved corpse of the Scorpion and took the Assault Gun from the smoking cadaver. He twisted it onto his arm.  
  
"Hmm......I bet this'll be nice," Barrett said, grinning.  
  
This time it was Cloud's turn to simply walk away, leaving Barrett to catch up. Just then there was a beeping sound coming from the bomb they just set. Cloud read the display: 'Ten Minutes To Detonation.'  
  
"We gotta get outta here now Barrett." So Barrett and Cloud ran to the long ladder and climbed up it as quickly as possible. Once they got to the pipes, Cloud began humming very upbeat music.  
  
"Why the hell are you humming?" asked Barrett as they ran.  
  
"Escape music rocks."  
  
They climbed another ladder and ran back up the ramp. Cloud stopped and turned. Jesse was still standing there.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked her.  
  
"My foot got stuck." Cloud pulled her foot out of the grating where it was lodged.  
  
"Thanks," she said, jumping completely over him. Then she looked back to him. "Told you that would be more dramatic."  
  
Then she ran off. Barrett and Cloud followed her, climbing up yet another ladder and jumping back over the gap in the floor. With Cloud still humming their escape music, the duo ran up the HUGE stairway and into the elevator. Once inside, Cloud hit the button and waited for the elevator to start up. While waiting, he took out his sword and began playing air guitar with it, humming the music and playing along. Barrett just shook his head as the elevator rose out of the screen, then rose back into it. Cloud put his sword away, shaking his head.  
  
"That was a neat trick," he repeated.  
  
Barrett and Cloud ran out of the elevator and followed Jesse and Wedge out of the Mako Reactor, meeting up with Biggs and running out just as the reactor exploded in a blaze of glory.  
  
Ok, I'll be continuing later on. Till then, enjoy. 


End file.
